it's been a while! quite a bit's changed. i think i have, a bit.

did you know, changing how you think changes the world?

like, in a completely metaphysical way. ;]

In the past week so much has happened. I find myself still trying to digest the things that happened the day before, only to have to put that to the side and deal with the things happening in front of me. This way of living doesn't much suit me-- I'm the daydreaming type who likes to savor my experiences. But I suppose, when things finally stop, I'll have all the dull hours of the day to contemplate.

I'm 18 now, and the future I envisioned of for myself, vague, and surreal as a predicted dream turned out nothing like I expected. Things are moving so fast now. But then, I think I like things that way.

I remember the fires on the hillside at night. Horrible as it is, I thought it was beautiful. Because when the world burns, everything is moving.

Today I learned what happens when I treat people like canvases.

Everything became an illusion of the ideal. Then the tiny tear occurs, and I can't help but peek inside and take a glimpse at what the world really looks like.

And what a disappointment it was. Everything beautiful remained so, just so hopelessly out of reach that I couldn't help but smile like someone who appreciates a thorough, crushing defeat.

I wanted to live in an idealized world where everything was romantic-- but then things turn out human and--

Stars aren't really there-- just after images of things that died long ago. I guess I'm not making sense, but that's what I had to say, anyway.

Last night I was flipping through the channels. I came across this local cable channel, the very poor ones with used car commercials. The twilight channels between C-Span and Telemundo.

There was a very beautiful Japanese girl. She was wearing a silk bathrobe and was hounded by people. All men. Scruffy, or fat, or unclean. All taking photos. She disrobed and laid on a table in front of them. The crowd shouted all around her with their catcalls, their cameras flashed and flashed around her. They placed sushi on her naked porcelain skin and ate it off of her.

I guess it wasn't so bad, maybe I just don't understand the culture. But when I see the men calling and making their creepy, lustful faces I just can't help but feel sorry for that girl.

Maybe she likes doing that sort of thing-- and I hope she does, because that's a horrible thing to do if you don't want to.

But then, why would she want to do that?

I get a little sad when I see very beautiful girls who feel like they have to get naked, just to show a bunch of mindless people who don't even care about her, or what she could have been. What she is-- perhaps someone's mother or sister, girlfriend or childhood best friend.

And then maybe, that's just an understanding between those who participate in those kinds of things and those who spectate. The idea of watching someone get naked for you without having to deal with who they are. Because at that moment, you don't care.

I don't know. Even I know I'm being naive right now. But it just makes me a little sad.

If life for you would replay itself over and over again for eternity without you knowing, in exactly the same way, would you be okay with that?

Think about it carefully.

Being impulsive.

On saturday, I sat in my room in disgust.

The sound of facebook poker rung obnoxiously outside my room, the chair creaking as the person who sat in it shifted their weight every so often.

In the room across from me, the t.v. blares its meaningless and trite talk. The person watching is sprawled out on the couch, inattentive.

I thought of mr. driscoll tearing that dollar-- saying tearing a dollar is the same as wasting a day--

and there I was, wasting 48 cents.

So, yearning for some sense of accomplishment, some feeling that my life isnt a total waste, I decided to go out for a bit. I didnt have plans so I was a bit hesitant, but I thought of my friends and classmates. Accomplished people who work, drove, had loving girlfriends, studied for tests and prepared for college... These thoughts spurred me on to stop standing still.

I didn't have any plans, so I decided to start at the library, my usual haunt.

Whilst passing through the park I saw the tujungans; indecent couples kissing on dirty graffitied tables, mothers scolding running children, and an old hump-backed woman, smiling as she dangled an empty dog-collar from her tiny pruned wrist. All people wanting something their own but never completely controlling it.

Inside the library, more people, no one browsing through the books on the shelves. Just children playing games on the computer, old people on laptops or watching videos.

I found a computer of my own and entered a chatroom, and talked for about an hour with someone claiming to be a beautiful half korean/italian model. Of course I knew she was lying. Her name, supposedly, was Rio Yuzuki and her picture was one obviously googled and stolen off the internet. I didn't mind though. I just talked to her. Tried to put myself in the shoes of an introvert lost in a sea of extroverts, to see what it was like to be desperate just to connect with someone.

I told her her name wasn't korean. And that I knew she was lying, and possibly not even a girl. I told her I didn't mind and just wanted to be friends and talk at leisure.

Her english wasn't good-- she called me a pervert and left.

After the library, I got on the bus. The 90 headed downtown. I didn't know where I wanted to get off-- I just decided to ride it until I found a nice place with lots to do. I must have gone all through foothill, finding nothing. I fell asleep and woke up in Glendale, where I decided to get off because the people behind me wanted to find the mall, but were lost.

I found the building, but it took me 15 minutes to get inside! I must have walked in a circle three times. But the air inside was nice and cool, and there were a lot of pretty girls. I guess it was a typical Saturday night. I walked around aimlessly, browsing the japanese culture store, and admiring the smell of fresh baked pretzels at the pretzel place. A rich, sweet smell.

I walked around doing nothing for 2 hours! And then that's when I decided what I could do. To see what it would be like to be impulsive for once. To not lay around in the hot, stagnant air of my room and wish for something to happen.

I got both my ears pierced!

I was afraid it would hurt, but thought of one of my favorite characters from a manga i've read before. He was a masochist.

I thought if I pretended I wanted to be hurt, it wouldn't be so bad. But it did hurt! She used a piercing gun. So it was quick, and the pain was stabbing shock that dulled into a slow aching pain in my ears.

I went home then, and everything seemed like a dream. Only the dull, throbbing pulses in my ears reminding me I'm alive.